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Special Needs

Pathways to Potential Part 3

Applying the Hands Full parenting Approach to Your Special Child

Dr. Sora Yaroslawitz

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From the insightful questions I've received, it's evident that those following this series are a deep-thinking group. This comes as no surprise, as parenting a child with special needs — as I discovered on my journey with my daughter Rochi — transforms us and fosters a unique perspective on life.

Your questions reflect this depth of thought. I commend you for your approach and encourage you to continue using this collective experience as an impetus for growth. 

Here’s our next question:

I’m a parent of two children with special needs, each developing differently. I'm committed to providing them with additional therapy and support. However, I've received advice from doctors suggesting I should make things easy for them and not push them beyond their comfort zones, telling me that it won't be beneficial.

This advice is confusing, especially considering that they told me my child would never get off a feeding tube — and she did.  Could you clarify what doctors mean when they say I shouldn’t push my child beyond her comfort level?

Regarding my other child, who is developing more typically, he woke up one morning and said he wanted to eat.  I told him that first we get dressed and then we eat.  He started tantruming and crying.

I kept repeating, “First, we get dressed, and then we eat.”  He cried for about twenty minutes, then came to me and said he was ready to get dressed. Was that wrong? Was I demanding too much for his age and his disability? 

I’m getting many comments from other parents and even friends that I need to accept my children for who they are.  I’m told that it’s OK for these children to have special needs, and there’s no reason to push them and make them unhappy. After all, this is how G-d created them.

How should I navigate my role as their parent?

Consistency is Key

First, let’s address the scenario with the little boy who wanted to eat before getting dressed. You navigated the situation admirably. By remaining consistent despite his tantrums, you taught him not only to tolerate when things don’t go his way but also showed him that he can cope with disappointments.

Your declaration, “First we get dressed, and then we eat,” is a mission statement. A Mission statement should be ten words or less and not contain the words “you” or “your.” Usually, such a statement can be repeated once every five minutes to a young child.

I don’t know how often you repeated this Mission; if you said it many times, it may have lengthened the tantrum because speaking during a tantrum feeds it. But even so, you handed your son a wonderful gift: You taught him that he can be fine even if he doesn’t have what he wants, when he wants it, and how he wants it. 

This is probably the most significant lesson a person will need throughout their lifetime. Because each and every one of us will hopefully spend many decades in this world, and let’s assume that 50% of the time, things will happen as we want them to play out, and 50% of the time, they won’t.  If we can only be OK when things go as we want, then we’ll only be OK half our lives. But if we can be OK even when things don’t go as we want, we can be OK all our lives. 

Our children with special needs also need to learn this skill, because this also applies to them. Teaching them to handle life's challenges through small, manageable instances of frustration equips them with the resilience needed for whatever life presents. Your actions laid the foundation for your child to thrive in life.

Based on your description, it seems your son has the cognitive ability to regulate himself after a tantrum. Know that it's okay to say no and let a tantrum unfold with minimal dialogue.

With typically developing children, there’s absolutely no talking during a tantrum because there’s an assumption that they can self-regulate. Since I'm not familiar with your son's specific needs, I encourage you to assess whether you need to keep repeating the Mission statement throughout the tantrum. You might find that less is more.

To Push or Not

Now, let’s address your other, more serious question about societal attitudes towards children with special needs and their capacity for pushing past their comfort level. I’ve been asking myself the same question for 40 years. After giving it a lot of thought, I’ve arrived at the following idea:

Whether consciously or not, people usually gauge the value of a project by its expected outcome. And this approach mirrors how our world works. If I go to a job interview and they offer me a low salary, I might decide that the result isn’t worth the effort. Before investing in anything, we judge if the outcome is worth the time or effort.

Furthermore, success or completion is typically seen as the benchmark for the worthiness of a project. For instance, I won’t open a business unless I believe it will be successful. I won’t start constructing a building unless I’m confident I can complete it.

Sadly, this mindset extends to how society views people as well.

Contrary to the prevailing societal norms, our perspective doesn’t equate human value with productivity or success. In our view, every person is a fragment of the Divine, crafted by the Creator. This essence remains constant, transcending physical appearances or abilities, and every person deserves opportunities for growth. And spiritual growth isn’t all or nothing.

Consider this: If I inadvertently turn on a light on Shabbos, do I keep the remainder of Shabbos?  Of course, I do, even though I messed up. We don’t believe that we either keep a perfect Shabbos or no Shabbos at all.  We do the best we can, with a focus on continuous effort and growth, not perfection.

This principle should guide our approach to nurturing children with special needs. Each family, in consultation with mentors, must navigate these decisions, considering the unique circumstances and challenges they face. There is no one-size-fits-all answer, as every situation is uniquely shaped by various factors and backgrounds.

This questioner and many parents in similar situations embrace the challenge of supporting their children with special needs even without the assurance of ideal outcomes. Their commitment isn’t rooted in the certainty of results but in the value of the effort itself. They recognize the potential for setbacks but are prepared to face them.

I believe that these parents should be applauded, not discouraged. If they choose to try a particular method even though they were told that the child cannot master that skill, that process can be beneficial for both the parent and the child. And even if the child experiences frustration or tears, it’s an integral part of development and growth.

Eight Tips for Growth

Here are some practical suggestions I can offer after years of trying all sorts of techniques with my daughter with special needs:

  1. Trial Period: Limit new techniques or strategies to a three-month trial. If there’s no glimmer of progress after that period, it might be time to explore other options.
  2. Privacy: Keep details of the methods, therapists, and schedules to yourself to avoid unsolicited advice and discouragement. Remember, what didn’t work for someone else might work for you. 
  3. Only One is in Control: Remember, no human, regardless of their credentials, controls your child's destiny. Only the One Above is in charge, and He can do anything.  
  4. Rethink “Never”: Dismiss predictions that claim something is impossible (as the questioner herself mentioned, she was told her child would never get off a feeding tube, but she did). Such definitive statements overlook the potential for Divine intervention. Words like “never” and “impossible” should be struck from our vocabulary when it comes to development and healing.
  5. Focus on the Process: If you've seen your child defy professional predictions, maintain skepticism toward those who claim to know the future. Concentrate on the therapeutic process rather than on specific outcomes.
  6. Public Sharing: Don’t attempt to show off your child’s progress. Children rarely display their skills on demand. Keep moving forward and wait patiently until the results become evident on their own. 
  7. Patience and Persistence: Embrace the belief that if your child achieved something once, they can do it again. My Rochi didn’t speak until she was eight years old. Then, during one therapy session, she said, “Mommy.”  I will never forget that moment; I can cry just thinking of it. But she didn’t say another single word until six months later.  During those long months, her therapist kept telling me, “If she did it once, she’ll do it again. Once the brain does it, it will happen again.”  And it did.
  8. Trust Yourself: You were chosen from Above to care for this special soul.  Trust in your intuition, your knowledge, and your ability to guide your child on his journey.
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Auditory Sensitivity

My child is sensitive to loud noises
(e.g., sirens, vacuum cleaner).

My child seeks out specific sounds or types of music and appears calmer when listening to them.

Tactile Sensitivity

My child is irritated by certain fabrics or tags in clothing.

My child seems indifferent to sensations that are usually painful or to extreme temperatures.

Visual Sensitivity

My child is sensitive to bright or flashing lights.

My child tends to avoid eye contact.

Taste/Smell Sensitivity

My child constantly prefers bland foods and rejects foods with strong flavors or spices.

My child seeks out strong or unusual smells, such as sniffing food or objects.

Proprioceptive Sensitivity

My child prefers tight hugs or being wrapped in a blanket.

My child is unaware of body position in space (e.g., often bumps into things).

Social Sensitivity

My child becomes anxious or distressed in crowded spaces.

My child is hesitant or resistant to climbing or balancing activities (e.g., jungle gyms, see-saws).

Movement Sensitivity

My child dislikes fast or spinning movements

Vestibular Sensitivity

My child becomes anxious or distressed in crowded spaces.

My child is hesitant or resistant to climbing or balancing activities (e.g., jungle gyms, see-saws).

Please answer all questions before submitting.

Your Child’s Score is

  • 0-15

    Low Sensory Sensitivity

  • 16-30

    Moderate Sensory Sensitivity

  • 31-45

    High Sensory Sensitivity

  • 46-60

    Very High Sensory Sensitivity

0-15: Low Sensory Sensitivity

  • Interpretation: Your child exhibits low levels of sensory sensitivity, usually falling within the typical developmental range.
  • Recommendation: Generally not  a cause for concern. If you have specific worries or notice a sudden change in behavior, consult a healthcare professional for a comprehensive evaluation.
  • 0-15

    Low Sensory Sensitivity

  • 16-30

    Moderate Sensory Sensitivity

  • 31-45

    High Sensory Sensitivity

  • 46-60

    Very High Sensory Sensitivity

16-30: Moderate Sensory Sensitivity

  • Interpretation: Your child displays moderate sensory sensitivity, which may warrant intervention.
  • Recommendation: Consider sensory-friendly activities, sensory sensitive toys, or sensory sensitive clothing like noise-canceling headphones and weighted blankets to improve comfort. If symptoms persist, consult health care professionals.
  • 0-15

    Low Sensory Sensitivity

  • 16-30

    Moderate Sensory Sensitivity

  • 31-45

    High Sensory Sensitivity

  • 46-60

    Very High Sensory Sensitivity

31-45: High Sensory Sensitivity

  • Interpretation: Your child has higher than average sensory sensitivity that may interfere with daily functioning.
  • Recommendation: Seek a detailed evaluation by health care professionals for sensory integration therapy options and potential environmental modifications.
  • 0-15

    Low Sensory Sensitivity

  • 16-30

    Moderate Sensory Sensitivity

  • 31-45

    High Sensory Sensitivity

  • 46-60

    Very High Sensory Sensitivity

46-60: Very High Sensory Sensitivity

  • Interpretation: Your child demonstrates high levels of sensory sensitivity that could significantly interfere with daily life.
  • Recommendation: If your child displays this level of sensory sensitivity, it’s highly recommended that you consult with a health care professional for a multi-disciplinary assessment. You will probably be directed towards early intervention programs and specialized support.

Pathways to Potential Part 3

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Indoor Winter Sensory Adventures

Life Skills for Individuals with Intellectual Disabilities

Nothing to Hide

Pathways to Potential Part 2

Yom Tov Transitions Made Easy

NYC’s Top Accessible Adventures

Understanding OPWDD Eligibility: What You Need to Know

How Direct Support Professionals Enhance Quality of Life

What Is Com Hab and How Does It Provide Individualized Support?

6 Benefits of Respite Care for Families of Kids with Special Needs

Encouragement for the First Day of School

What is Spina Bifida? An Overview

My Life in Holland

Fostering Independence in Children With Developmental Delays

Understanding Intellectual Disabilities

What is Epilepsy?

Defining Dyslexia

Hands Full parenting

Understanding Down Syndrome

Early Intervention for Down Syndrome

Our Roller Coaster Ride

Understanding Cerebral Palsy

Understanding Autism

Autism Support

The Child Development Checklist

Understanding Social Anxiety Disorder

Confronting Childhood Trauma

How to Support a Family Member with Anxiety

Separation Anxiety Overview

Understanding Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)

Mental Disorder Prevention

Combating Depression in Elders

Depression Overview

Understanding Anxiety

Adult ADHD Action Plan

Sleep Strategies for the Anxious Child

Spina Bifida: Early Intervention

A Parent's Guide to Cooking for Kids With Food Allergies

Understanding Speech and Language Development

Sleep Strategies for the Anxious Child

Sensory Sensitivity Quiz

Feeding Your Picky Eater

Simple Sensory Activities

Decoding Diagnostic Tests

The Child Development Checklist

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